Rough Time

Ok, I am exercising. I have been for a few weeks now. I had a good workout today so when does the shrinking begin? It isn’t as easy as watching a time lapsed video of my shrinking fat ass. Ugh. Next I suppose I have to address my eating habits. It is rough.  

I know I eat too much to battle my almost constant fatigue. Eating used to help to stay awake and study/work on homework. It isn't working for me anymore. I also know I am somewhat of a glutton - I love good food and also get powerful cravings. If the food is good and something I really want I often think about a second helping before I am done with the first, not feeling that the portion I have in front of me is enough. That is scary. It feels like an addiction. 

I never thought much about emotional eating - it just didn't seem to fit me. Until today. I went to see my counselor today and it was a difficult session. First of all she asked me if I was proud of myself because I have been working out. Should I be? I don't really feel proud. That made me sad. I know I have more stuff to address - this eating. Then we talked about the past when I had been depressed before and the reasons why. It was horrible thinking about past incidents that made me depressed, that changed everything for me. For one thing I thought I had dealt with these issues, I thought I was over it but the pain is still there. This made me feel so terrible. I felt like I had been ripped open, exposed. When I feel like this it is almost a physical feeling - the emotional pain feels like a gaping hole in my abdomen. After I left my counselors office I was about ready to forget everything and run away or something, escape from myself. It was that bad.

I determined I had to go on so I went to lunch. I thought about my pain, my depression as I stuffed my face, the first plate not making me feel any better. I realized my weight loss journey is not as easy as exercise, eat right and lose weight. It isn't that simple for me. Attempting to lose weight, to take off these pounds means also taking off years and years of depression. It isn't going to come off easy, it isn't going to be easy. Then my mood lifted from the lowest low to reasonably happy as I took a bite of sweet banana creme pie. In that moment I realized just how happy food makes me - I am an emotional eater. I use food to mask my unhappiness, to self-medicate. Oh, this isn't going to be easy at all.